FIC: Tis The Season For Mixology (Merlin/Arthur - PG)

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Title: Tis The Season For Mixology
Author/Artist: ???
Pairing(s): Merlin/Arthur (side Gwen/Lance, Gwaine anyone)
Prompt: Gwen’s ex will be at the Christmas Party she is attending. Arthur agrees to poses as Gwen!s fiancé.
Word Count/Art Medium:4,478
Rating: PG
Contains (Highlight to view): *alcohol*
Disclaimer: Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: Betaed by the lovely and wonderful C! This is a bit of silliness, do not go in expecting great literature, you have definitely come to the wrong place for that.
Summary The office Christmas party is not going quite as Merlin planned. Gwen has turned up with a new (hot!) fiancé and Lance is determined to drown his sorrows. Meanwhile, Gwaine has made it his mission to kill everyone with bad cocktails.

Read it on Ao3: Tis The Season For Mixology



“I’ll have a bluuuuuue, Christmas, without you…”

“Oh bloody hell, who let Lance on the karaoke?” Merlin winced at Lance’s off key singing as he turned to Gwaine behind the bar.

“It’s not my place to stop him.” Gwaine grinned as he put two glasses of wine down in front of a couple of women from accounts. “You’re late. Lance-a-shot has started on the tequila without you, by the way.” He indicated a row of empty shot glasses on the bar.

“I’ll be so bluuuuue, just thinking, about you…”

“I suppose it’s not your place to stop him there either? I know you have a profit to make, but you’re supposed to be his friend, Gwaine.” Merlin gave Gwaine his best stern glare. “Anyway, I thought he was excited because Gwen was coming over for Christmas?”

“The lovely Guinevere is already here.” Gwaine vaguely indicated somewhere over Merlin’s shoulder.

Turning around he spotted Gwen over the other side of the room looking devastatingly gorgeous. Her usually loose hair was swept up into an elegant updo that showed off her neck to perfection with just a few artful curls carefully placed. Her dress was clearly expensive, showing off every curve but leaving just enough to the imagination to make every man there want more – even Merlin and he really didn’t swing that way.

“Wow. I mean, she was always beautiful, but Gwen looks hot!”

“You’ll be doing alriiiiight, with your Christmas of Whiiiiiite…”

Merlin turned back to Gwaine as Lance’s warbling grew worse. “So why is Sir Pissed-a-lot not dancing with joy?”

Gwaine pointed in Gwen’s direction again. “The blond. Not the redhead, he’s going to be mine. Although, the brunette can warm my bed any time too, I wonder if they’re interested in a threesome.”

“Stop talking about people like objects, Gwaine.” Merlin had said it so many times the words had no heat any more.

There were two men and a woman standing with Gwen. The tall man with reddish-blond curls was clearly Gwaine’s type – he always went for tall men. The woman had long dark hair and bright red lipstick and she was also Gwaine’s type – he liked intimidating women, and Merlin knew just from looking at her that he never wanted to get on her bad side. The other man was blond perfection. The lights from the christmas tree reflected in his hair and cast a glow across his sculpted cheekbones and aristocratic nose. His dark suit looked like it had practically been sprayed onto him. He must have felt Merlin’s gaze on him because he looked over and met his eye, a slow grin breaking onto his face.

“Oh my god! He’s checking me out! I think I’m in love.”

“Oh jeez, not you too. Well, I hate to break it to you, Merlin, but Lance has been working his way through my tequila because dear Gwen over there is sporting a rock on her finger the size of my dick. Well, figuratively, of course, my dick is much bigger than that, but in terms of diamond size, it’s big and so is my dick.”

“Ok, ok, you really don’t need to mention your dick that many times in one sentence! If at all.” Merlin held his hands up and backed away as far as he could without falling off the back of his barstool. “Been there, done that, remember? No need to explain.”

“Ok, well, anyway, pretty boy over there, with the possessive arm around Gwen’s waist, is the one who bought the ring, so your luck is out, my friend,” Gwaine said as he came over and plonked the gaudiest fruity cocktail in the world down in front of Merlin.

“I didn’t order that.”

“No, but you would have if you’d known it was an option.” Gwaine grinned at him. “It’s a new invention, I’m calling it the ‘Gwaineminator’.”

“Because you won’t stop till you’ve killed me?” Merlin rolled his eyes and picked up the drink, peering into it’s bright pink glittery depths with trepidation. He took a sip and spat it straight back out. “That’s even worse than the ‘Do Me Percy’ you invented last New Year.”

He pushed the glass away. It wasn’t quite as bad as the ‘Green Knight’, which Gwaine had invented for Freya’s birthday last year. That one had seemed alright to begin with, bright green and flavoured with apples. Merlin could only remember a very small part of that night, and had spent the better part of the following week trying to recover from the hangover. He probably should have had his stomach pumped.

“Ah, you laugh, but the ‘Percy’ had the desired result. Several times.” Gwaine winked and laughed.

”But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas.”

Lance’s song thankfully drew to a close but then he just stood there, staring dolefully across at Gwen like she just ran over his puppy.

“I should invent a cocktail called Blue Christmas for Lance, I could use blue curacao.” Gwaine rubbed his beard thoughtfully.

“No!” Merlin hopped off the barstool and pointed a finger at Gwaine. “You are not winding him up any more tonight. Stop getting him drunk, stop letting him sing karaoke. I’m going to go and try to clean him up. Gwen needs to see what she’s missing and regret it, not be thankful she’s well out of it. Can you make me the strongest coffee possible? And not Irish!”

“Mate, it’s your office Christmas party, someone has to embarrass themself and it’s usually you, why not let it be Lance for a change?” Gwaine grinned again. “I’m hoping he’ll move onto East 17 next. Baby if you have to go away, don’t think I can take the pain!” Gwaine pulled a suitably woebegone expression as he sang.

Merlin shook his head and walked purposefully over to the makeshift stage area to drag Lance away.

“Ok, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Lance tried to push Merlin off him as he continued to stare mournfully at Gwen.

Merlin signalled to Elena and Mithia who were waiting by the stage to start her song. “Ellie, get up here and sing, please!”

Elena smiled and ran up to take the microphone off Lance, who finally let Merlin pull him away as the opening bars of Stop the Cavalry started up.

Merlin steered Lance towards the coffee Gwaine had left on the bar. “Drink this.”

“It’s a fallacy that coffee sobers you up. And I don’t particularly want to be sober.” Trust Lance to be sensible and articulate several tequilas in. Although from the look and smell of his wet shirt, a lot of the tequila seemed to have gone down the front of it rather than into Lance, so maybe he wasn’t quite as drunk as Merlin had feared.

“Lance, do you want Gwen to see you as a pathetic drunk whimpering mess, or do you want her to look at you and see what she’s been missing? Now, get up and come with me. We are going to make you look presentable and gorgeous. I bet blondy over there has zero personality and a tiny cock anyway.”

Coffee imbibed, Merlin attempted to steer Lance towards the gents loos to try and make him look more presentable.

“I’ll have two Templar’s Nipples waiting for you when you get back!” Gwaine gave Merlin a thumbs up.

“No you bloody well won’t, those things made me puke in technicolour!” he called back over his shoulder.

“That was the Templar’s Tipple, this is the new improved version! With added Baileys!” Gwaine shouted after him.

Merlin nearly gagged at the thought. Gwaine was under the mistaken impression that he was a cocktail making guru, but one of these days his creations were probably going to land Merlin in hospital. The Witches Brew at halloween had, for some reason only Gwaine knew, contained hidden tomato juice, which was probably the closest he’d come so far to killing Merlin.

There was someone in one of the stalls, but otherwise the gents was empty when Merlin pulled Lance through the door.

“Ok, I’m going to hope that’s only tequila down your front, because you’re going to swap shirts with me.” He started unbuttoning his nice new blue shirt that he’d been hoping might help him pull tonight, figuring Lance’s need was greater than his.

Lance was the sort of drop-dead-gorgeous bloke that didn’t even have to try, the blue shirt was going to look amazing on him. He nodded after a moment and started stripping his shirt off too. “Thanks, Merlin, you’re a good friend.” He patted Merlin on the shoulder.

Of course, that was the moment the stall door opened and out walked the Greek God otherwise known as Gwen’s new fiancé.

“Don’t let me interrupt, boys.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked at them. “Although, maybe think about getting a room.”

He crossed over to the sink and washed his hands, and for a moment, Merlin could almost swear he was checking his shirtless self out in the mirror. He smirked at them again on his way out.

“Great. Bloody wonderful. Now that smarmy git thinks I’m at it with you, and he’ll tell Gwen and she’ll probably think that’s why I broke up with her! This is a disaster.” Lance looked about ready to hit the bar again.

Merlin shook his head as he crossed to hold Lance’s white shirt under the hand dryer. “Ignore him. Now, remember, you are amazing and brilliant and you don’t want to throw yourself off a cliff. Gwen will see how fabulous you look, and she will not be able to remember why you broke up. Why was that by the way? You two were the most lovey-dovey sickly sweet couple I ever saw.”

“I didn’t want to hold her back, I was being chivalrous! She would never have accepted the promotion to the New York office if we were still together.”

Merlin looked at his friend and shook his head. “That wasn’t your decision to make, you twat! Bloody hell, Lance, most of us would kill to have what you and Gwen had, why didn’t you just talk to her like a bloody adult? Now, come on! Put that shirt on.” He pointed to his blue shirt still in Lance’s hands. “You are going to go out there and win her back.”

“What about handsome rich and smarmy back there?” Lance did as he was told and started buttoning the shirt.

“Don’t worry about him, I’m quite sure he’s not good enough for her.” Merlin tried not to wrinkle his nose as he shrugged on the slightly drier but still smelling of tequila shirt. “You and Gwen are meant to be! Now, smile, or i’ll make you drink one of Gwaine’s Egg Snogs!”

Lance visibly shuddered and pasted a passible smile onto his face.

“Ok, that will have to do, let’s go.” He tried to smooth down Lance’s hair where he’d clearly been running his hands through it and adjusted his collar.

By the time they got back out to the bar, however, Gwen and her new fiancé were up at the karaoke singing Something Stupid.

”And afterwards we’ll stop into some quiet little place and have a drink or two…”

Gwen was, as ever, a fantastic singer, although the fiancé not so much.

“Oh shit.” Lance hardly ever swore, it always made Merlin double-take when he did. “I need another drink, let’s go and try the Templar’s nipples.”

“Seriously, let’s not.”

”And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you…”

They made their way back to Gwaine at the bar, where he was flirting with the tall red-head he’d set his sights on earlier.

“It’s called ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish’.” Gwaine set a familiar looking bright green cocktail down in front of his new victim.

“Funny, it looks exactly like a particularly lethal cocktail called ‘The Green Knight’ that you tried to kill me with once before.” Merlin leant in and picked up the glass from in front of the man and took a sniff. “Yep, apples, that’s the one. Don’t drink that, mate. Stick to beer.”

“Now Merlin, don’t be a party pooper, Leon and I were just getting to know each other and you’ll have him thinking I’m some sort of serial killer.” The grin Gwaine gave Leon did nothing to belie his words and Leon took a step backwards.

“Yeah, and maybe you two should get up and sing ‘Baby it’s Cold Outside’ on the karaoke, then he can ask you what’s in this drink.”

“Ah, cocktails, excellent!” Blondie McPoshpants stepped up beside Leon. “What are we drinking?” He picked up Leon’s drink and tried a sip, hastily putting it back down as tears sprang up in his eyes. “Leon, mate, that’s battery acid.”

“Hey now, that’s one of this establishment’s finest cocktails!” Gwaine frowned and snatched the drink off him and placed it back in front of Leon. “And it’s clearly wasted on you, so how about you let a chap with more discernment try it.”

“Well then, what else do you recommend?” For some reason, the question was aimed at Merlin rather than Gwaine, and accompanied by what he might have called a flirty smile if it weren’t for the fact that this prat was engaged to Merlin’s friend.

“You could try a Knight On The Tiles,” Gwaine said, looking slightly peeved.

“I thought you were here with Gwen, have you misplaced her already?” Merlin asked the newcomer. He made a big show of looking over his shoulder for her. He hadn’t actually got the chance to speak to her yet and, loyalty to Lance aside, he really wanted to hear how New York was going.

“Hmm?” The blond looked over his shoulder. “Oh, she seems to have disappeared. I’m sure she’s old enough to wander off by herself.”

Merlin blinked. Whilst he agreed that couples who were joined at the hip could be annoying, he might have hoped Gwen had found herself someone who at least cared as much as Lance. Lance, who Merlin couldn’t help but notice had also disappeared

“I’m Arthur, by the way.” The blond leant around Leon and held his hand out to Merlin. “Arthur Pendragon.”

Merlin shook Arthur’s hand, taking a moment to appreciate the warm firm grip and the way Arthur’s blue eyes seemed to hold his gaze. Then, the name sank in. Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon, owner of Camelot Inc and Merlin’s ultimate boss. Damn it, Lance didn’t stand a chance against this guy.

Except… He was almost positive Arthur was flirting with him, which lead to a dilemma. Ordinarily he wouldn’t touch straight guys or taken guys with a barge pole. Now, Arthur could be bi, of course, which would solve the straight issue, or he could just be one of those twats looking to experiment behind his girlfriend’s back with no intention of anything more.

However, bi or not, that still left the problem of Gwen, who was one of Merlin’s best friends. He wouldn’t cheat on anyone, let alone a friend. But… Gwen and Lance belonged together, Merlin was more certain of that than pretty much anything else. So, if he let Arthur flirt with him a bit, and Gwen somehow caught on, she’d sack Arthur off and go running into Lance’s arms. And Merlin would be left looking like a total shit, probably with a broken heart, because yes he really could fall for this man that easily, and no job, because hello, boss.

Right. Sounded like a plan then, yay.

He attempted his best flirty smile in return. “Um, I’m, ah, I’m Merlin.” Great job, Merlin, make yourself look like a complete arse, that’ll work.

“You don’t seem terribly sure, you wouldn’t give me a false name would you, Ah-Merlin?” And there was that sexy smile again making Merlin’s insides knot up almost like he’d been drinking one of Gwaine’s cocktails.

“Uh, nope, definitely Merlin. No one would be daft enough to make that up. No one except my Mum, anyway.” He gave a nervous laugh. He really did suck at flirting, maybe he should get Gwaine to do the flirting instead, Gwaine was much better at flirting than he was at mixology.

“So, what do you recommend?” Arthur asked, moving around Leon to stand next to Merlin and returning to his original question. He picked up Gwaine’s cocktail list.

“Er…” To be evil or not to be evil, that was the question. A good person would tell Arthur to steer clear of the cocktails. A bad person would get him plastered, thereby giving more time for Lance to talk to Gwen. “The ‘Wizard’s Whisky’ is, um, interesting,” he said, going for one that hopefully wouldn’t actually put Arthur in A+E.

“Hmm,” Arthur said, perusing the list. “What about ‘Templar’s Nipple’?” Merlin must have visibly cringed because Arthur laughed. “Maybe not then. ‘Figgy Pudding’? It says with ginger, why with ginger, figgy pudding is not usually ginger.”

“It doesn’t say ‘Figgy Pudding’,” Merlin said, feeling his cheeks heat up. “It says ‘Figging’, it’s uh, a thing. With raw ginger.”

“Ok, ok,” Arthur held a hand up to stop him. “No need to elaborate. “‘Do Me Percy’?”

Merlin shook his head and glanced over at where Gwaine was still flirting with poor Leon. “I suspect this year it will be changed or replaced by the ‘Do Me Leon’ anyway, although I believe he’s still not averse to Percy, so maybe he’ll keep both.

Arthur snorted. “Percy from logistics? I play rugby with him, your friend has good taste.” He looked at the list again. “I probably don’t want to know about ‘La Petite Mort’, do I? Or ‘The Cup of Life’.”

Merlin shook his head. “I’d also avoid ‘Witches Cauldron’ and ‘Sex on the Bar’.”

“You’ve tried sex on the bar then?” Arthur smirked at him and raised an eyebrow.

Merlin felt himself blush again.

“So, if all these cocktails are so bad, why do they serve them?”

Merlin shrugged. “It’s Gwaine’s pub, there’s no one to stop him.”

Arthur threw his head back and laughed, and at that point Merlin knew there was no use, he was done for. No matter how much of a rich spoilt prat Arthur might turn out to be, Merlin was hurtling down the highway of head over heels with no turning back. How was it even possible to fall for someone this hard, this quickly? He barely even knew the man, they’d only been talking for five minutes!

It couldn’t happen. Plan to woo Arthur away from Gwen aside (like Merlin ever stood a chance of that to begin with), he couldn’t actually start anything with him. Gwen was his friend, he couldn’t and he wouldn’t do that, even if she got back together with Lance. Any chance of anything happening between him and Arthur was doomed.

“So, I don’t suppose I can get anything to eat around here?” Arthur said, studying Merlin like he was something edible himself. “We missed the dinner, our flight was delayed. I’m starving.”

“Um, there’s a pretty good chip shop around the corner.” Merlin offered, looking over his shoulder again for Gwen. “Gwen knows where it is, I’m sure she must be hungry too.”

“I think Gwen is otherwise occupied.” Arthur took a step closer into Merlin’s space. “I’d really like you to show me.”

Merlin couldn’t think straight with Arthur this close to him and he found himself nodding in agreement.

“Excellent.” Arthur smiled in a way that Merlin thought he could happily look at his entire life. “Lead the way.”

They headed out of the pub with the sound of Vivian from Human Resources murdering Santa Baby ringing in their ears. Neither thought to bring their coats and Merlin was glad to hurry into the warmth of the chip shop. Arthur happily ordered fish and chips with an extra of mushy peas in curry sauce. “The food in New York is excellent, but they don’t do decent chips or mushy peas in curry sauce!”

They sat inside while he ate them, Merlin stealing the occasional chip. He had actually attended the company meal before they all descended on Gwaine’s bar, so he was far too full to get his own chips, but they always tasted better when stolen off someone else’s plate anyway.

“So, how long have you and Gwen been together?” He had to ask, he just didn’t have it in him to actually seduce Gwen’s fiance, no matter how badly attracted to him he was. Gwen existed, and he wasn’t about to let Arthur forget that.

Arthur, it would seem, actually had forgotten all about his fiancée. A puzzled frown crossed his face for a moment before he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yes. Not long. It’s a very recent development indeed, actually.” He didn’t seem able to meet Merlin’s eye, clearly ashamed at being caught out. “How about you and that Lance chap? Are you together?”

Merlin shook his head. “No, Lance is straighter than a roman road.”

Arthur actually had the gall to look relieved at that. Merlin felt a stab of disappointment, he had wanted Arthur to be a good man who wouldn’t be swayed. Gwen definitely deserved better, and so did Merlin. “But you’re not?” Was that a hopeful tone to his voice?

“I suppose we should get back to the party,” Merlin said, changing the subject and standing up. He couldn’t let this go any further, surely the fact that Arthur seemed to be flirting when his fiance was here was bad enough to get Gwen to dump him?

Arthur pushed his empty plate aside and rubbed his belly. “That was really good, maybe with something in my stomach I could face one of your friend’s cocktails.”

Merlin laughed. “You’re a braver man that I am.”

Stepping back out into the night air, he shivered, wishing again that he’d brought his coat – it didn’t help that Lance’s shirt was still slightly damp in places and the wind was cutting straight through it.

“Here.” Arthur suddenly took off his suit jacket and draped it around Merlin’s shoulders. “It might stop you freezing to death before we get back to the pub.”

“What, no, don’t be silly, you’ll be cold now!” Merlin attempted to take the jacket off, even though it was Arthur-warm and smelt slightly of expensive cologne, which was definitely better than the eau de tequila Merlin was currently wearing.

Arthur stopped him. “I’m fine, it was much colder than this in New York when we left, I’m hardened to it. And you can always warm me up.” He stepped closer into Merlin’s space again and for a brief moment, Merlin thought Arthur was going to kiss him.

“There you two are!” Gwen’s voice made them jump apart. “Merlin, it’s so good to see you!” She ran up and hugged him, making a horrible surge of guilt go through him.

“Hi Gwen, how are you?” Did his voice sound slightly strangled? He hoped not.

“I’m pretty good!” She turned to Arthur and smacked him lightly on the arm. “Did you go and get chips without me? I could eat a scabby horse!”

“Sorry.” Arthur didn’t look sorry at all. He glanced behind Gwen. “I take it this is the famous Lance? Good to see you with your shirt on.”

Merlin had been so overcome with guilt he hadn’t even noticed his friend standing awkwardly behind Gwen.

“Yes.” Gwen gave a happy little smile and pulled Lance forward. “Lance, this is Arthur, Arthur, Lance.” She hooked her arm through Lance’s, smile never faltering. “I suppose I’d better give you your mother’s ring back.” She pulled the massive diamond ring off her finger and handed it back to Arthur.

“I take it everything is alright then? You two are back together?” Arthur seemed strangely at peace for someone whose fiancée had just casually dumped him for another man.

Gwen beamed and nodded. “We’ve spoken, yes. Lance has acknowledged that he was a twat, I think I have Merlin to thank for that. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we still have things to discuss and I’m starving.”

She started to walk in the direction of the chip shop Merlin and Arthur had just left, Lance not far behind. “Oh, Merlin!” Gwen hurried back and stood on her tip toes to whisper in his ear. “You two would make a gorgeous couple!” Then she laughed and ran back to Lance.

“Right, well. That’s good.” Arthur was smiling and Merlin suspected he’d heard Gwen’s not so subtle whisper. “Shall we get back inside though, I am starting to not be able to feel my feet.”

“Aren’t you upset? Your fiancée just gave you your ring back!”

“Ah, about that.” Arthur rubbed at the back of his neck. “We were never really engaged. She asked me to help make her ex jealous and I stupidly agreed. To be fair, I never expected to meet someone like you at the party, so I didn’t think it would hurt.” Arthur leant in again, and this time Merlin quite happily let him kiss him.

“So, you’re not engaged to one of my best friends?”

Arthur shook his head. “Never was. She’s lovely and a good friend, but she’s really not my type. I guess if you say Lance is straight as a roman road, then I’m about as straight as a roundabout.”

Merlin grinned and pulled Arthur back towards the pub.

As they stepped through the door, the first thing they heard was Gwaine doing a very passable Shane MacGowan impersonation.

”I can see a better time, when all our dreams come true.”

”They’ve got cars big as bars they’ve got rivers of gold…”

“Oh hell no, that’s my sister!” Arthur looked horrified and started to back out of the pub.

Merlin craned his head to see the beautiful brunette from earlier standing next to Gwaine.

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked, turning back to Arthur. “I’ve got some pretty good Irish Whiskey back at my place.”

Arthur grinned and crowded Merlin back against the wall. The next thing Merlin knew, Arthur’s mouth was pressed against his and somehow his hand had found its way into Arthur’s beautiful blond hair which he could now acknowledge he’d been itching to touch all evening.

“I thought you’d never offer,” Arthur murmured against Merlin’s lips. “And I’d really like to get you out of that horrible shirt.”

“Hmm.” Merlin dragged Arthur towards the taxi rank. He wound his arms around Arthur’s waist and kissed him. “Merry Christmas, Mr Pendragon.”