Out (New Year's Resolutions are not that Lame) [Merlin/Arthur - PG - 2744]

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Title: Out (New Year's Resolutions are not that Lame)
Author/Artist: dianaprallon
Pairing(s): Arthur/Merlin; past Arthur/Others; Arthur/Elena, Merlin/Mithian (pretend relationships), Minor Pairings
Prompt: 62
Word Count/Art Medium: 2,744
Rating: PG
Contains (Highlight to view): Some homophobia, angst
Disclaimer: Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: Thanks to my beta, because she is the best person ever, and whatever mistakes you find are absolutely mine not hers. Thanks, too, to everyone in merlin_chat, with a special shout-out to people who were sprinting with me when I wrote this.
Summary: Pendragons don’t make New Year resolutions. Pendragon’s just did what had to be done, no lists needed. Now, after spending half of his life lying to his father, Arthur thinks that this may be an exception. Something he needs to plan to. Something he needs help in doing. Something he needs to say, whatever the consequences.

On AO3



Out (New Year's Resolutions are not that Lame)


Arthur had never believed in making new year resolutions. Resolutions were for people who were too weak to just go there and do what they needed to do; or those who needed something to hold on to in order not to back down and go through the path of least resistance. He had always ignored when people made lists of what they wanted to do in the following year, their goals and hopes. Arthur didn’t need a piece of paper or a change in the calendar to get what he wanted; he just went there and did it, because that was how he had been raised. Lists were for girls, or weak-minded people, not for Pendragons.

Then again, maybe he was one of those people — those who needed to write down his goals in order not to back down.

So that was how for the first time, and almost thirty years old, Arthur wrote his very first New Year resolution; the first of the two only New Year resolutions he would ever write.

Come out to my father.

He hang it on his fridge, a reminder of what a coward he had been for the past, well, way over half of his life.

Still, it was easier to write things than getting them done, and he needed a serious plan of action if he was to be honest with his father about who he was. Uther had never been known for his tolerance or his belief in what he dubbed “modern liberties”. The man was a conservative in every sense of the word, and if Arthur wanted to stop hiding, to stop taking Elena — precious, adorable, so obviously lesbian Elena — to office parties and hearing questions about when would he propose, he should start working on it right now.

First, the obvious things — he made sure to block any sort of access Uther had to his mother’s trust fund. Then, he started looking for jobs. It would hurt to give up everything he had always worked for, but it seemed like a small price to pay when compared to the weight of the lies he kept saying and truths he kept hidden. Like the one that was still curled under his duvet, hair sticking out to all sides, like a bird’s nest; whose pointy limbs were tenting the sheets. Arthur tried very hard not to rationalise, not to think about why it was suddenly so important when he had always put that off before.

He ignored how he had pushed Gwaine away for being too obvious, how he had lost Elyan to his fear of being honest, how he had worn down even sweet, patient Percy with his desperate need to pass as straight. He didn’t want to think why Merlin, of all people, whom he had known for so long and never even considered until a few weeks ago was enough to spur him to action.

This would have to wait.

It took Arthur three weeks, two job offers, and a very terse conversation with his bank manager before he was ready to speak to his father. He chose to do so at the office — if things went as badly as he suspected they would, he didn’t want to have to go back there and face the pitying looks in order to clear up his office. He scheduled an appointment, for god forbid that Uther would have time for his own children that wasn’t properly booked and signed and checked by their respective PA’s.

Still, even with all plans and contingencies, when the day came — January, 3rd, as it had been marked on his calendar — Arthur felt his heart speeding in a way he hadn’t even known was possible, his palms sweating, his hands trembling. This was his father; the man he had worked so hard to make proud, the man whose love and affection had been all Arthur knew as a child, the man who had raised him.

And Arthur hadn’t been raised to be a liar.

With that in his mind, he stepped inside his father’s office, and the man barely lifted his eyes from the paper he was studying.

“Oh, yes, Arthur. Please take a seat,” Arthur sat, fighting against the urge to shake his own leg in anxiety. Uther’s eyes were back into the report. “You scheduled a meeting with me.”

“Yes — father, I need to talk to you.”

It was obvious he could feel the tremor in his voice, because he frowned, without looking at him.

“Is this about the Essetir contract?” he asked, finally, and Arthur almost took the easy way out. There had been many issues with it, things that needed to be talked over and this might be the opening he needed to avoid — no. He had made up his mind. Enough was enough.

“No — it’s personal.”

That made Uther put down his paper. He scrutinised Arthur for a moment, while he fought to put into words; to say something; to manage to do what he had come to do, but his mind was completely blank.

“Is there anything wrong with your health?” his father asked, but there was more practicality than concern in his voice.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, father” he replied, annoyed, and wasn’t that the whole truth? There was absolutely nothing wrong with who he was, and there was no reason for all those lies, all those schemes. Even if Uther kicked him out and never forgave him — well, he’d have Morgana, at least. And Leon; he knew he could count on his oldest friend. And perhaps — perhaps he would have even more. He cleared his throat, steeling himself to speak. “Father, I am seeing someone new.”

The man paused, frowned, and said nothing, as if Arthur hadn’t just — theoretically, at least — announced the break of a five year long relationship with a woman he had taken to the office party three weeks before. As if it meant absolutely nothing to him, or if he wasn’t surprised at all.

“Very well” he said, eventually. “Who is this person?”

“This is — private.” Arthur wasn’t going to expose Merlin, not now, not before he had time to measure exactly how bad Uther’s reaction was going to be; he wouldn’t jeopardise his job on a whim. Merlin wasn’t even the point or the reason for this conversation.

(Who did Arthur think he was kidding?)

Uther huffed, taking out his glasses and putting them on the paper.

“This is a waste of time” he announced, with a shake of head. “You come here to tell me you’re seeing someone new and then doesn’t want to speak of it — I can see no reason to continue this conversation. Consider me notified.”

Arthur knew he had but a few moments before Uther absolutely pushed him out of his office, and then he would have failed, he would be worse than those people who wrote new year’s resolutions and stick to them; he’d stoop as low as those that didn’t even try hard enough to follow them through because they were cowards. He had been a coward for long enough now.

“This is not my point” he scrambled, trying to regain control of the conversation. “That’s not what I came to say. What I came to say is — father, I’m gay.”

The clock would say that it had been mere seconds, but for Arthur it would always feel as if there had been hours — silence heavy and permeating the air of the office, poisoning it, and his throat was closing, he was sweating, and part of him wanted nothing more than to take his words back as Uther gazed him silently.

“Yes, I am aware” replied Uther, as if he had just announced the sky was blue.

“What?” Arthur couldn’t contain the shock in his voice — this, well. From all his scenarios, this wasn’t one he had envisioned.

“I know you are a homosexual” his father repeated, as if he had said nothing particularly surprising.

“How…” his voice was weak, and he simply didn’t know how to react. He knew how to deal with yelling, with rage, but not with the idea he had been fooling no one all this time. “How long have you known?”

Uther closed his eyes for a second, frowning as if it pained him to even think about it — and that was more like it, that was the moment he would rage; or at least say he wouldn’t fuss as long as Arthur kept on behaving as he had until now regardless of what he was doing in the bedroom. It was not a compromise he was willing to make, not anymore at least.

“Since the day I walked into the house to find you and Gwaine — erm, how to put it delicately? Performing fellatio in each other.”

Arthur felt his face burn, he had no idea he could still feel so mortified about something that had happened almost fifteen years ago — but maybe the fact that he hadn’t known until now that they had been seen made all the years in between disappear, and he wished in vain for a hole to magically open on the floor so he could escape this conversation and pretend none of it had ever happened.

“I might have dismissed it as a hormonal issue” he continued, doing his best to ignore the awkwardness in the room “had I not found you two whispering sweet nothings at each other a few days later — I knew, then, that it was more than just… A phase.”

Arthur shook his head and tried to dispel the image from his head, trying to bury the memories back where they belonged and dealing only with the matter at hand.

“Why did you never say anything?”

Uther gave the tiniest of shrugs, picking up his glasses back.

“I figured you would tell me when you were ready to. Still, I’ve got to say, I’m mildly disappointed by how long it took.”

Arthur just sat there, not knowing what to do, or what to say. Somehow this whole thing didn’t feel like the victory that completing a goal should feel.

“You told Elena in the last party that we would have beautiful babies!” he exclaimed frustrated.

“And I stand by it — you should really consider her as a surrogate. You are planning on having children, aren’t you?” Uther stared at him over the rim of his glasses and Arthur’s mouth was open in shock and exasperation.

“I’m just seeing someone new!” he reminded his father, and the man tutted.

“Don’t go waiting for too long — you’re already thirty. A couple of years, at most — kids demand a lot of stamina, and if you wait too much, it’ll get harder.”

“Father!” Arthur yelped, and Uther gave a small chuckle at his indignation.

“It’s good advice and you know it” he said, still smiling. “Now, if this was all” he gestured to his table, making a sort of shooing motion and returning his attention to the paper in front of him and Arthur tried to find some leverage — the desk, the arm of the chair, anything he could stand firmly on because his legs didn’t seem to be up to the task. Before he could stand, though, Uther spoke again. “Ah, just one more thing — is it Merlin?”

Arthur was pretty sure his eyes were now saucer sized and yet he couldn’t help the way his voice squeaked.

“What?”

Uther gave small slap on the table, and shook his head.

“Come on, Arthur. As if there is anyone in this place who hasn’t seen you two eyeing each other for years. All that pining — from both sides — it was enough to drive a man mad. It is about time you acted on it — really. If you’re seeing someone else… Well, I suppose I’ll have to wait and see, but I don’t like their chances against Merlin; not now that you’re ready to tell people.”

“What?” he repeated, more weakly this time, but Uther snorted.

“I am pretty sure there is an office bet about when you two would finally get together, you should probably look into it; see who won.”

“What?”

“As if anyone would believe a man like Merlin would manage a date with Mithian Nemeth all by himself.”

“Merlin is perfectly —” Arthur started his defence, only to be silenced by his father’s smirk.

“Ahh, this is what I’m talking about” he nodded, firmly. “No offence to your friend, I just happen to have on good authority that Mithian is seeing Elena.”

As if Arthur could feel any more ridiculous; clearly they hadn’t fooled anyone with their little charade.

“So — tell me” his father insisted, still smirking, and now Arthur could really see why Morgana was his daughter, it was the same infuriating expression. “Have you two finally stopped dancing around each other, or is there some other poor bloke whose heart is about to get broken?”

Arthur could do nothing but shake his head; still a bit gobsmacked by it all.

“No — I mean, yes. I’m seeing Merlin.”

“Congratulations.” Uther replied, and Arthur could have sworn he was grinning. “I approve of it. Or, better, I ship it, as kids are saying these days. Well, according to Mordred. God only knows what goes over that kid’s head.”

He didn’t know if he was more shocked at his father’s usage of language, or at his nephew for discussing this sort of thing with him.

“Please, do not wait over a decade to warn me once you propose.”

“It’s been a few weeks” he choked, but his father’s eyes were filled with so much disdain for his protest, that he said no more. “I won’t” he promised.

“Good. And do speak with Elena about surrogacy, I’m sure she’d be amenable to the idea.”

“I will” Arthur said, without having any intention to. He stood up, completely wrong footed and Uther didn’t stop him. “I’ll be going, then.”

“Excellent. Don’t forget to send me the news about the Essetir contract until the end of the day.”

“I will” he repeated, before leaving.

He was still a bit off when he walked into his office and saw Merlin, biting his nails, clearly worried about him.

“So?” he asked, as soon as he walked in, and Merlin seemed even more worried at his lack of response.

“He knew” he said, simply, sitting down at his sofa and breaking down in nervous laughter. “He knew all this time — since Gwaine” Arthur shook his head.

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Merlin asked, sitting next to him and putting his hand on Arthur’s back. “That’s good.”

“Yes” agreed Arthur, still trying to control his laughter. “And he thinks we should have gotten together long ago.”

“What?” Merlin asked, and wasn’t this sweet?

“He ships us” Arthur continued, a new wave of laughter dominating him as Merlin spluttered and became beet red. “He also mentioned an office bet?”

Merlin just blinked at him, like a deer caught in headlights, and the look was so adorable on him that Arthur could do nothing but hold his face with both hands and kiss him full on the mouth, not a care in the world. It took his boyfriend a moment before he responded, but it was perfect anyway, this was perfect, more than he had ever dared to dream, this man, in this office, while the snow fell outside. Arthur felt bubbly with happiness, and just a hint of mischief, that couldn’t help but allow to rule him as he spoke again.

“What do you think of Elena as a surrogate?”

“WHAT?” Merlin’s shout probably could be heard by the whole floor, and Arthur just laughed, the look on his face that of pure pleasure.

“Just kidding!” he said, kissing him again. “Just kidding.”

Maybe making New Year’s resolutions — at least when it was really important, really big — wasn’t so stupid after all.

(He wrote his following one with ink in parchment, not a small piece of paper in the fridge, but a large card against the champagne, and a small black box next to it — and he could only hope, in his heart, that Merlin would react as well as his father had).

(It was even better).